Seekers

During the past week, I have heard the term "seeker" 3 times. The reference was about those who look for a higher truth, purpose and connection to our inner God, or whatever you want to call that best part of yourself.
I often wish I weren't a seeker, like many people I know. They seem relatively content with the lives given or manifested; they don't wonder why they are here on earth and how they will feel about their accomplishments (or lack of) on their deathbeds.
I am a seeker, and have steadily been so since my divorce many years ago when I was trying to figure out the whys and hows of a devastating situation. I wanted to know why me, what was wrong with me, what could I have done differently. Could me being a "better" person have saved my marriage?
I tried by connecting with several different churches, organizations, non profit work, classes, meditation, books, movies, advice, new jobs, new friends, new geography...you name it.
What it seems to come down to is...everything helped me answer those questions, a little at a time. All of those things helped me get to where I am today and that's a heck of a lot closer to my inner God than I was 15 years ago...even 1 year ago.
Change is good. It's that subtle shift in your thought process, an a-ha moment, a knowing that you learned something about yourself that you didn't know yesterday. Even if it's something you didn't want to know or a consequence of all the change and searching that leads you to dislike.
I remember once working in an ad agency and we were trying to think of ways to think differently for client ideas...and the only way we can think differently is sometimes doing differently. Trying a different way home or to work, going to a new event or reading a book you never thought you'd like.
I recently started writing up in minute detail all the things I want in my life, at the urging of a friend. I started by writing down what I want right away, and was stunned to find out that I had a hesitation on, of all things, making money now. I realized I was scared to start making money because I didn't know enough about reporting when you have your own business. Hmmmm.
Next, I got quite ticked off at Doug. I went and sat by myself on the front porch, staring at the leftover stems of flowers eaten by the chipmunks. What am I really angry about? I asked myself. And what I learned is this: I tend to get mad when I don't receive communication. Tell me whatever you want, and I'll be fine. Don't tell me and I will be pissed. Hmmmm.
Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I tend to agree, for myself anyway. I am hoping that, on my deathbed, I will be able to say I'm at peace with the life I lived, the decisions I made and that I sought to live the best life I could at the time.

Food Does Not Control Me

Today is my first day on the maintenance plan of the HCG diet, or phase 3. I have lost 22.5 lbs.
For those of you who don't know the HCG diet, you take a hormone found in pregnant women either under your tongue in drops or by injection every day and eat a 500 calorie diet for up to 26 days or 42 days, depending on how much weight you want to lose. The regimen is strict, but sooo worth it. I lost my weight in 26 days.
What I have learned from this difficult but rewarding experience is that food does not control me. I have always satiated my whims - chips, chocolate, whatever everyone else was eating.  But I have realized that I do have control, I can say no and I can love my new body and the feeling of being the correct weight over all of the temptations.
I just had my first meal on maintenance - ever stop to think how wonderful a little cream in your coffee is? How about blessing your food? I am going to start doing that to remember that the fulfillment comes with keeping this healthy new me, not with a rack of ribs and a bag of chips.
That's not to say I don't eye it enviously, but I won't indulge. The new me is much too important.

Being a Mother to a Furry Kid

I've never had a human child, so as close as I am ever going to get at age 45 is our German Shepherd Gracie. We put her to sleep on Friday April 1 after almost exactly 4 years of joy, laughter and hair in every corner and crevice of our lives.
I am still reeling from the emptiness, the coming down the stairs and no big hairy beast staring at me with love and anticipation. You know what it is, mostly, is having empty arms. I loved putting my arms around her big muscular neck and rubbing her soft sides. She was so very tolerant of hugging. Next I loved rubbing her perfectly shaped head, big soft ears and long muzzle ending in a big wet black manhole-cover sized nose. 
It's hard to imagine ending your child's life. Making that decision, hoping against hope she'll get better and put it off for another day, is one I won't ever want to make again. And after it's done, I keep seeing her lying there in the vet's office on her blanket, no spark of that awesome, funny and playful personality left.
Doug and I have never been together without Gracie. We're living a different dynamic now - it used to be pretty centered around the furry kid, and on the Saturday after, when we woke up, we were unsure of what to do with ourselves. No kid to feed, play with, make sure the water is full and fresh, make sure she had her pees and poops, it's your turn, it's my turn, should I walk her here or there, stick or ball, park or patch of grass...
I took a bike ride Saturday and felt her loping along beside me, tongue hanging out, freed from her arthritic spine and weak leg, from her damaged and failing internal organs, happy as a dog could ever be. There is some comfort and joy in that imagining.
What I do know is that we're sure to rescue more furry kids because even though we'll be picking hair out of our clothes for years to come, every hair has been worth the fun and fulfilling distraction of taking care of Gracie and being loved unconditionally in return.
I love this quote: "My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am." ~Author Unknown

Faith Knows

Faith Knows
by Terry Chriswell
April 11, 2004

Uncovered naked standing shaking it holds me in its hand;
Else cloaked by fear or grief or shame, faith knows just where I stand.

The bitter years they took their toll but faith it did not flee;
While I took the lowest roads, it took its time with me.

And then I thought I raised myself to higher wiser height;
But faith it did the lifting up and brought me to its light.

Ever present it does shine to never turn away;
Even though there are times my faith may surely stray.

Quietly a lesson comes unexpected in the day;
When child’s laughter or sweet birdsong pierces worldly fray.

Reflection soon I can’t ignore of faith’s gentle demand;
Leads me to be grateful then that faith knows where I stand.

Guilt and Regrets

Well. How long has it been since I have written a creative word? Months. Before the holidays. For something that I consider to be extremely important to my destiny and purpose for being, I sure have fallen short.
Maybe I am wrong for thinking writing is part of my purpose. When I am not doing it, I am thinking that I should be doing it. I am feeling guilty for not doing it. I regret any time I have "wasted" and not written.
Here's the interesting thing: while you try to figure out why you aren't doing something that is important to you, you are learning more about the thing you are putting off.
For instance, there was a great speech at church Sunday, comparing toasters to human beings. Toaster don't whine and moan if you've unplugged them or haven't used them for a while, they just go back to doing their job - making bread into toast. They don't analyze the situation; they go back to doing what they were meant to do. Another great resource I am listening to: Mike Dooley from TUT: The Universe; Manifesting Change. He make some very interesting points about having the end in mind, and letting the universe worry about the hows. What he does say is we still have to head toward our dreams, however small. Like the toaster, it still has to heat up, right?
As human beings, who hasn't temporarily stopped doing something they felt important? Who hasn't fallen off the diet, healthy food, exercise wagon, among other things? I feel like these are the moments when we continue to find our strength and learn what's really important, and resources come to us to help us continue on the path of that dream...whether it's getting healthy or writing a book, learning new habits or attempting to find your destiny.
So if you are in the "holding pattern" of something in your life, I like the idea that you don't have to feel guilty because you can always jump back into your mission, knowing that we've learned something else along the way...we still really want that thing we are striving after. If we didn't we wouldn't be thinking of it or feeling guilty about it. Which means it's time to heat up and make the toast.

Birthdays

Yesterday was my 45th birthday, and I am feeling a little blue today.
I had planned to spend the morning getting a couple things done, and then have some time to myself to hike, generally contemplate the mysteries of life and be grateful that I was here on this earth.
While these thoughts rolled around in my head, guess what? The day got away from me; I worked all day. Thankfully, I had a reason to quit and get ready as Doug took me out to a delicious dinner at The Fort in Morrison (highly recommended).
I don't recall on past birthdays that I have felt this need to connect with myself, and if I have done so. I don't know whether it's the age, whether it's the life I am living now, whether it's the fact that I am in the mode of reading spiritual stuff (that comes and goes every few months and then I need to go back to Harry Potter or Steven King), or maybe it's a combination of everything.
Regardless, I am taking my day back! I am heading off to an appointment now, and then I will not even turn on the computer. I am heading to the adjacent hills to revel in the beauty of my surroundings, bless my parents for having made me, and thank the Universe for helping me to be, at 45 ripe years old, where I am today.
Next year, I am keeping my calendar wide open, and maybe planning a trip so I am not tempted to work. As a friend once said to me, "The work will be sitting on your desk tomorrow, too."
I feel happier just having the plan!! Thanks for letting me share with you!

Gratitude

Doug (mostly) and I wrote what I think was one of our best publisher's letters for the November issue. It is about being grateful, especially around this beautiful time of year, and getting into the spirit of Thanksgiving.
I drove home from a satisfying, busy day today and casually looked at the golden leaves mixed with the quickly fading green, the gliding white clouds, bright blue sky behind them and the imposing foothills of Golden.
That feeling of overwhelming gratitude welled up in my heart, and I couldn't help but say, "Thank you for everything" out loud. I wanted to stay with this feeling for as long as I could and savor it as deeply as possible. I think it lasted for about 3 minutes.
I wish I could capture that feeling in a bottle and take it out at those times when I'm not feeling well, or scared about the bills to pay, or driving in traffic. Heck, I wish I could take it out the other 99% of the time. How great would it be to live in a world where people felt grateful for just even something little, like the clothes on their back, or the food they are eating....every day. It certainly would be a paradigm shift from a world where, more often, we focus on our problems than our blessings.