Recently, it has struck me that while I love having dogs for the fun and energy they bring, I also really don't like having a dog for lots of reasons. And this is important to know, because in manycases, we have to learn to love something and let it go for our happiness.
I guess I thought having a dog would be a lot easier than it is right now; Gracie was an older mature dog which was already well-trained and didn't seem to have too many needs. By far, the best thing was that she loved fetch - how easy is it to go into a field, play fetch for 10 minutes and she had her exercise? Fulfilling to you, fulfilling to the dog. I only had bouts of stress with Gracie, and mostly that was because I was stressed to begin with, so having something else to take care of made it worse.
Having this foster experience with young dogs has made me realize that I am easily stressed and fatigued from trying to fulfill all my obligations to the dogs - and I say "my obligations" because they are self-made.
The older I get, the more it seems that having a little body barking and whining really stresses me out. If the dog has pooped and peed, gone for a walk, eaten a meal, had some attention...what else is there? I am constantly thinking that he needs to be with other dogs who think like him, can play non-stop, is he okay outside, should I bring him inside, what does he want, how can I be a better parent? I am sure there are a lot of "people" parents who feel the same.
This little obsession is not understood by Doug, my boyfriend. He thinks a dog is a dog, you be a good dog parent and that's it. Otherwise you let him whine or bark and let it go. Darn, I wish I could be like that. I think mine is inherited - I know my mother is a constant worrier, and my sister, as a "people" parent, is as well. "Am I giving enough?" or "Am I enough?" is a hard pill to swallow because I think you can probably always give more....can't you?
I'm okay now with the thought that I can love dogs, I can advocate for dogs, I can be a supporter of rescues and good people who foster and adopt, but to have a dog for me, at least right now and the foreseeable future, I think I need to release the added stressors from my life and get a great forever home for my foster dog. I love him to death, which means someone else will too. And I think he will be so much happier with more people - and a dog - in another house with a big yard to run around in and chase bunnies.
So, to love and let go - it's a beautiful thing. I am relieved thinking it, and writing it down because I know it's true. I can love in other ways, as I mentioned. I am ready to receive a great adoptive family for Toby and I am grateful for the gift of knowledge that he has given me.
