Seekers

During the past week, I have heard the term "seeker" 3 times. The reference was about those who look for a higher truth, purpose and connection to our inner God, or whatever you want to call that best part of yourself.
I often wish I weren't a seeker, like many people I know. They seem relatively content with the lives given or manifested; they don't wonder why they are here on earth and how they will feel about their accomplishments (or lack of) on their deathbeds.
I am a seeker, and have steadily been so since my divorce many years ago when I was trying to figure out the whys and hows of a devastating situation. I wanted to know why me, what was wrong with me, what could I have done differently. Could me being a "better" person have saved my marriage?
I tried by connecting with several different churches, organizations, non profit work, classes, meditation, books, movies, advice, new jobs, new friends, new geography...you name it.
What it seems to come down to is...everything helped me answer those questions, a little at a time. All of those things helped me get to where I am today and that's a heck of a lot closer to my inner God than I was 15 years ago...even 1 year ago.
Change is good. It's that subtle shift in your thought process, an a-ha moment, a knowing that you learned something about yourself that you didn't know yesterday. Even if it's something you didn't want to know or a consequence of all the change and searching that leads you to dislike.
I remember once working in an ad agency and we were trying to think of ways to think differently for client ideas...and the only way we can think differently is sometimes doing differently. Trying a different way home or to work, going to a new event or reading a book you never thought you'd like.
I recently started writing up in minute detail all the things I want in my life, at the urging of a friend. I started by writing down what I want right away, and was stunned to find out that I had a hesitation on, of all things, making money now. I realized I was scared to start making money because I didn't know enough about reporting when you have your own business. Hmmmm.
Next, I got quite ticked off at Doug. I went and sat by myself on the front porch, staring at the leftover stems of flowers eaten by the chipmunks. What am I really angry about? I asked myself. And what I learned is this: I tend to get mad when I don't receive communication. Tell me whatever you want, and I'll be fine. Don't tell me and I will be pissed. Hmmmm.
Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I tend to agree, for myself anyway. I am hoping that, on my deathbed, I will be able to say I'm at peace with the life I lived, the decisions I made and that I sought to live the best life I could at the time.