After last year's birthday during which I worked the entire day, I vowed I wouldn't do that again. Not that working on your birthday is bad, but working all day is! It's just not a proper celebration of one's special day. And if you have a choice, like I do, I prefer to spend it in some sort of celebration. I'll admit, at 46, (AHHH! that's the first time I have written that!) I still like to hear Happy Birthday being sung to me over a cake with at least one candle. I also like to open cards and presents. I like to be pampered and feel taken care of.
I don't think that ever gets old (like I am). Don't get me wrong, if you forget my birthday or don't send a card, I won't sulk over it. After all, it's my day and like the rest of my life, I am responsible for it.
Assuming I was going to be alone this year, I took the bull by the horns and made plans to go to Devil's Thumb Spa and Ranch, about an hour and a half from where I live. Then we realized the dates were all mixed up and Doug's gig was off. Darn. I do miss him while I am here enjoying my little respite from the everyday, but I am glad I came.
I want to mark every birthday from here on out with something really different and special. It doesn't have to be fancy - God knows I am not a fancy girl. But I want to remember it, and the feeling that comes with being special for a day. Who knows how many birthdays I have left? Could be 50 more, could be 1. This might be the last one! If that's the case, and it's my time to go sometime in my 36th...whoops I mean 46th....year, then I am glad to have done my last one up in the celebratory style to which I wish I could have become accustomed.
Cheers and a happy birthday to everyone born on October 28!
Moving Toward Happy Book Blog
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Fate or Manifestation?
The other day my good friend and I were discussions all the information and teachings about manifesting your life. Our current lives, supposedly, is what we have wanted and made of it. And whatever we want, whether it's a car or a job or a bucket of money, can be manifested, perhaps in its/God's/The Universe's own good time, but it will happen.
There is also the "wisdom" that everything happens for a reason, you are where you are meant to be, etc.
That's a real dichotomy I don't understand...yet...and maybe never will.
I know that manifesting does work, because Doug and I did a vision board months before any thoughts of Denver or publishing a magazine were a twinkle in our brains, and here we are living what we put on the vision board. Did we want all of it? Yes. Did we believe it could happen? Yes. It included happily driving to mountains with sun and following a future of prosperity, happiness, freedom, fulfillment and deepening love between us. While we didn't put on the vision board that we wanted increasingly difficult challenges, I can accept them and that those "opportunities" have made us better people and a better partnership.
So that's funny isn't it? It's where we are in every respect that has been a part of the manifestation but the journey has also been loaded with other complexities...does that mean all that has been fated so we can continue in our manifestation...but we had to learn some wisdom thru these circumstances to get there? I mean, I guess where would we be without differences of opinion, the irregular tide of finances, breakdowns and exhaustion? HA! I think I would be in a better place but I guess you never get to appreciate what you have unless you have had the opposite.
What I do believe is that the universe is always working in our favor, even though plenty of times it never looks that way. I can also say that I don't think we are going to know what's fate or manifestation unless we continue to manifest, and swim with the tide of our lives when it appears not to be what we wanted.
Just two short years ago, I never expected to be living in Colorado, publishing a magazine and living with a man I adore. I bet next year I can say the same about plenty more things, and in 5 years, I probably won't even believe all the changes that will happen. I just know that I'm going to continue wishing on stars, buying lottery tickets and rolling with the punches, taking one day at a time. Whether you call it fate or manifestation, I'm not sure if matters, but I sure would like to win the lottery.
There is also the "wisdom" that everything happens for a reason, you are where you are meant to be, etc.
That's a real dichotomy I don't understand...yet...and maybe never will.
I know that manifesting does work, because Doug and I did a vision board months before any thoughts of Denver or publishing a magazine were a twinkle in our brains, and here we are living what we put on the vision board. Did we want all of it? Yes. Did we believe it could happen? Yes. It included happily driving to mountains with sun and following a future of prosperity, happiness, freedom, fulfillment and deepening love between us. While we didn't put on the vision board that we wanted increasingly difficult challenges, I can accept them and that those "opportunities" have made us better people and a better partnership.
So that's funny isn't it? It's where we are in every respect that has been a part of the manifestation but the journey has also been loaded with other complexities...does that mean all that has been fated so we can continue in our manifestation...but we had to learn some wisdom thru these circumstances to get there? I mean, I guess where would we be without differences of opinion, the irregular tide of finances, breakdowns and exhaustion? HA! I think I would be in a better place but I guess you never get to appreciate what you have unless you have had the opposite.
What I do believe is that the universe is always working in our favor, even though plenty of times it never looks that way. I can also say that I don't think we are going to know what's fate or manifestation unless we continue to manifest, and swim with the tide of our lives when it appears not to be what we wanted.
Just two short years ago, I never expected to be living in Colorado, publishing a magazine and living with a man I adore. I bet next year I can say the same about plenty more things, and in 5 years, I probably won't even believe all the changes that will happen. I just know that I'm going to continue wishing on stars, buying lottery tickets and rolling with the punches, taking one day at a time. Whether you call it fate or manifestation, I'm not sure if matters, but I sure would like to win the lottery.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Loving a Dog Vs Having a Dog
Recently, it has struck me that while I love having dogs for the fun and energy they bring, I also really don't like having a dog for lots of reasons. And this is important to know, because in manycases, we have to learn to love something and let it go for our happiness.
I guess I thought having a dog would be a lot easier than it is right now; Gracie was an older mature dog which was already well-trained and didn't seem to have too many needs. By far, the best thing was that she loved fetch - how easy is it to go into a field, play fetch for 10 minutes and she had her exercise? Fulfilling to you, fulfilling to the dog. I only had bouts of stress with Gracie, and mostly that was because I was stressed to begin with, so having something else to take care of made it worse.
Having this foster experience with young dogs has made me realize that I am easily stressed and fatigued from trying to fulfill all my obligations to the dogs - and I say "my obligations" because they are self-made.
The older I get, the more it seems that having a little body barking and whining really stresses me out. If the dog has pooped and peed, gone for a walk, eaten a meal, had some attention...what else is there? I am constantly thinking that he needs to be with other dogs who think like him, can play non-stop, is he okay outside, should I bring him inside, what does he want, how can I be a better parent? I am sure there are a lot of "people" parents who feel the same.
This little obsession is not understood by Doug, my boyfriend. He thinks a dog is a dog, you be a good dog parent and that's it. Otherwise you let him whine or bark and let it go. Darn, I wish I could be like that. I think mine is inherited - I know my mother is a constant worrier, and my sister, as a "people" parent, is as well. "Am I giving enough?" or "Am I enough?" is a hard pill to swallow because I think you can probably always give more....can't you?
I'm okay now with the thought that I can love dogs, I can advocate for dogs, I can be a supporter of rescues and good people who foster and adopt, but to have a dog for me, at least right now and the foreseeable future, I think I need to release the added stressors from my life and get a great forever home for my foster dog. I love him to death, which means someone else will too. And I think he will be so much happier with more people - and a dog - in another house with a big yard to run around in and chase bunnies.
So, to love and let go - it's a beautiful thing. I am relieved thinking it, and writing it down because I know it's true. I can love in other ways, as I mentioned. I am ready to receive a great adoptive family for Toby and I am grateful for the gift of knowledge that he has given me.
I guess I thought having a dog would be a lot easier than it is right now; Gracie was an older mature dog which was already well-trained and didn't seem to have too many needs. By far, the best thing was that she loved fetch - how easy is it to go into a field, play fetch for 10 minutes and she had her exercise? Fulfilling to you, fulfilling to the dog. I only had bouts of stress with Gracie, and mostly that was because I was stressed to begin with, so having something else to take care of made it worse.
Having this foster experience with young dogs has made me realize that I am easily stressed and fatigued from trying to fulfill all my obligations to the dogs - and I say "my obligations" because they are self-made.
The older I get, the more it seems that having a little body barking and whining really stresses me out. If the dog has pooped and peed, gone for a walk, eaten a meal, had some attention...what else is there? I am constantly thinking that he needs to be with other dogs who think like him, can play non-stop, is he okay outside, should I bring him inside, what does he want, how can I be a better parent? I am sure there are a lot of "people" parents who feel the same.
This little obsession is not understood by Doug, my boyfriend. He thinks a dog is a dog, you be a good dog parent and that's it. Otherwise you let him whine or bark and let it go. Darn, I wish I could be like that. I think mine is inherited - I know my mother is a constant worrier, and my sister, as a "people" parent, is as well. "Am I giving enough?" or "Am I enough?" is a hard pill to swallow because I think you can probably always give more....can't you?
I'm okay now with the thought that I can love dogs, I can advocate for dogs, I can be a supporter of rescues and good people who foster and adopt, but to have a dog for me, at least right now and the foreseeable future, I think I need to release the added stressors from my life and get a great forever home for my foster dog. I love him to death, which means someone else will too. And I think he will be so much happier with more people - and a dog - in another house with a big yard to run around in and chase bunnies.
So, to love and let go - it's a beautiful thing. I am relieved thinking it, and writing it down because I know it's true. I can love in other ways, as I mentioned. I am ready to receive a great adoptive family for Toby and I am grateful for the gift of knowledge that he has given me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Seekers
During the past week, I have heard the term "seeker" 3 times. The reference was about those who look for a higher truth, purpose and connection to our inner God, or whatever you want to call that best part of yourself.
I often wish I weren't a seeker, like many people I know. They seem relatively content with the lives given or manifested; they don't wonder why they are here on earth and how they will feel about their accomplishments (or lack of) on their deathbeds.
I am a seeker, and have steadily been so since my divorce many years ago when I was trying to figure out the whys and hows of a devastating situation. I wanted to know why me, what was wrong with me, what could I have done differently. Could me being a "better" person have saved my marriage?
I tried by connecting with several different churches, organizations, non profit work, classes, meditation, books, movies, advice, new jobs, new friends, new geography...you name it.
What it seems to come down to is...everything helped me answer those questions, a little at a time. All of those things helped me get to where I am today and that's a heck of a lot closer to my inner God than I was 15 years ago...even 1 year ago.
Change is good. It's that subtle shift in your thought process, an a-ha moment, a knowing that you learned something about yourself that you didn't know yesterday. Even if it's something you didn't want to know or a consequence of all the change and searching that leads you to dislike.
I remember once working in an ad agency and we were trying to think of ways to think differently for client ideas...and the only way we can think differently is sometimes doing differently. Trying a different way home or to work, going to a new event or reading a book you never thought you'd like.
I recently started writing up in minute detail all the things I want in my life, at the urging of a friend. I started by writing down what I want right away, and was stunned to find out that I had a hesitation on, of all things, making money now. I realized I was scared to start making money because I didn't know enough about reporting when you have your own business. Hmmmm.
Next, I got quite ticked off at Doug. I went and sat by myself on the front porch, staring at the leftover stems of flowers eaten by the chipmunks. What am I really angry about? I asked myself. And what I learned is this: I tend to get mad when I don't receive communication. Tell me whatever you want, and I'll be fine. Don't tell me and I will be pissed. Hmmmm.
Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I tend to agree, for myself anyway. I am hoping that, on my deathbed, I will be able to say I'm at peace with the life I lived, the decisions I made and that I sought to live the best life I could at the time.
I often wish I weren't a seeker, like many people I know. They seem relatively content with the lives given or manifested; they don't wonder why they are here on earth and how they will feel about their accomplishments (or lack of) on their deathbeds.
I am a seeker, and have steadily been so since my divorce many years ago when I was trying to figure out the whys and hows of a devastating situation. I wanted to know why me, what was wrong with me, what could I have done differently. Could me being a "better" person have saved my marriage?
I tried by connecting with several different churches, organizations, non profit work, classes, meditation, books, movies, advice, new jobs, new friends, new geography...you name it.
What it seems to come down to is...everything helped me answer those questions, a little at a time. All of those things helped me get to where I am today and that's a heck of a lot closer to my inner God than I was 15 years ago...even 1 year ago.
Change is good. It's that subtle shift in your thought process, an a-ha moment, a knowing that you learned something about yourself that you didn't know yesterday. Even if it's something you didn't want to know or a consequence of all the change and searching that leads you to dislike.
I remember once working in an ad agency and we were trying to think of ways to think differently for client ideas...and the only way we can think differently is sometimes doing differently. Trying a different way home or to work, going to a new event or reading a book you never thought you'd like.
I recently started writing up in minute detail all the things I want in my life, at the urging of a friend. I started by writing down what I want right away, and was stunned to find out that I had a hesitation on, of all things, making money now. I realized I was scared to start making money because I didn't know enough about reporting when you have your own business. Hmmmm.
Next, I got quite ticked off at Doug. I went and sat by myself on the front porch, staring at the leftover stems of flowers eaten by the chipmunks. What am I really angry about? I asked myself. And what I learned is this: I tend to get mad when I don't receive communication. Tell me whatever you want, and I'll be fine. Don't tell me and I will be pissed. Hmmmm.
Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." I tend to agree, for myself anyway. I am hoping that, on my deathbed, I will be able to say I'm at peace with the life I lived, the decisions I made and that I sought to live the best life I could at the time.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Food Does Not Control Me
Today is my first day on the maintenance plan of the HCG diet, or phase 3. I have lost 22.5 lbs.
For those of you who don't know the HCG diet, you take a hormone found in pregnant women either under your tongue in drops or by injection every day and eat a 500 calorie diet for up to 26 days or 42 days, depending on how much weight you want to lose. The regimen is strict, but sooo worth it. I lost my weight in 26 days.
What I have learned from this difficult but rewarding experience is that food does not control me. I have always satiated my whims - chips, chocolate, whatever everyone else was eating. But I have realized that I do have control, I can say no and I can love my new body and the feeling of being the correct weight over all of the temptations.
I just had my first meal on maintenance - ever stop to think how wonderful a little cream in your coffee is? How about blessing your food? I am going to start doing that to remember that the fulfillment comes with keeping this healthy new me, not with a rack of ribs and a bag of chips.
That's not to say I don't eye it enviously, but I won't indulge. The new me is much too important.
For those of you who don't know the HCG diet, you take a hormone found in pregnant women either under your tongue in drops or by injection every day and eat a 500 calorie diet for up to 26 days or 42 days, depending on how much weight you want to lose. The regimen is strict, but sooo worth it. I lost my weight in 26 days.
What I have learned from this difficult but rewarding experience is that food does not control me. I have always satiated my whims - chips, chocolate, whatever everyone else was eating. But I have realized that I do have control, I can say no and I can love my new body and the feeling of being the correct weight over all of the temptations.
I just had my first meal on maintenance - ever stop to think how wonderful a little cream in your coffee is? How about blessing your food? I am going to start doing that to remember that the fulfillment comes with keeping this healthy new me, not with a rack of ribs and a bag of chips.
That's not to say I don't eye it enviously, but I won't indulge. The new me is much too important.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Being a Mother to a Furry Kid
I've never had a human child, so as close as I am ever going to get at age 45 is our German Shepherd Gracie. We put her to sleep on Friday April 1 after almost exactly 4 years of joy, laughter and hair in every corner and crevice of our lives.
I am still reeling from the emptiness, the coming down the stairs and no big hairy beast staring at me with love and anticipation. You know what it is, mostly, is having empty arms. I loved putting my arms around her big muscular neck and rubbing her soft sides. She was so very tolerant of hugging. Next I loved rubbing her perfectly shaped head, big soft ears and long muzzle ending in a big wet black manhole-cover sized nose.
It's hard to imagine ending your child's life. Making that decision, hoping against hope she'll get better and put it off for another day, is one I won't ever want to make again. And after it's done, I keep seeing her lying there in the vet's office on her blanket, no spark of that awesome, funny and playful personality left.
Doug and I have never been together without Gracie. We're living a different dynamic now - it used to be pretty centered around the furry kid, and on the Saturday after, when we woke up, we were unsure of what to do with ourselves. No kid to feed, play with, make sure the water is full and fresh, make sure she had her pees and poops, it's your turn, it's my turn, should I walk her here or there, stick or ball, park or patch of grass...
I took a bike ride Saturday and felt her loping along beside me, tongue hanging out, freed from her arthritic spine and weak leg, from her damaged and failing internal organs, happy as a dog could ever be. There is some comfort and joy in that imagining.
What I do know is that we're sure to rescue more furry kids because even though we'll be picking hair out of our clothes for years to come, every hair has been worth the fun and fulfilling distraction of taking care of Gracie and being loved unconditionally in return.
I love this quote: "My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am." ~Author Unknown
I am still reeling from the emptiness, the coming down the stairs and no big hairy beast staring at me with love and anticipation. You know what it is, mostly, is having empty arms. I loved putting my arms around her big muscular neck and rubbing her soft sides. She was so very tolerant of hugging. Next I loved rubbing her perfectly shaped head, big soft ears and long muzzle ending in a big wet black manhole-cover sized nose.
It's hard to imagine ending your child's life. Making that decision, hoping against hope she'll get better and put it off for another day, is one I won't ever want to make again. And after it's done, I keep seeing her lying there in the vet's office on her blanket, no spark of that awesome, funny and playful personality left.
Doug and I have never been together without Gracie. We're living a different dynamic now - it used to be pretty centered around the furry kid, and on the Saturday after, when we woke up, we were unsure of what to do with ourselves. No kid to feed, play with, make sure the water is full and fresh, make sure she had her pees and poops, it's your turn, it's my turn, should I walk her here or there, stick or ball, park or patch of grass...
I took a bike ride Saturday and felt her loping along beside me, tongue hanging out, freed from her arthritic spine and weak leg, from her damaged and failing internal organs, happy as a dog could ever be. There is some comfort and joy in that imagining.
What I do know is that we're sure to rescue more furry kids because even though we'll be picking hair out of our clothes for years to come, every hair has been worth the fun and fulfilling distraction of taking care of Gracie and being loved unconditionally in return.
I love this quote: "My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am." ~Author Unknown
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Faith Knows
Faith Knows
by Terry Chriswell
April 11, 2004
Uncovered naked standing shaking it holds me in its hand;
Else cloaked by fear or grief or shame, faith knows just where I stand.
The bitter years they took their toll but faith it did not flee;
While I took the lowest roads, it took its time with me.
And then I thought I raised myself to higher wiser height;
But faith it did the lifting up and brought me to its light.
Ever present it does shine to never turn away;
Even though there are times my faith may surely stray.
Quietly a lesson comes unexpected in the day;
When child’s laughter or sweet birdsong pierces worldly fray.
Reflection soon I can’t ignore of faith’s gentle demand;
Leads me to be grateful then that faith knows where I stand.
by Terry Chriswell
April 11, 2004
Uncovered naked standing shaking it holds me in its hand;
Else cloaked by fear or grief or shame, faith knows just where I stand.
The bitter years they took their toll but faith it did not flee;
While I took the lowest roads, it took its time with me.
And then I thought I raised myself to higher wiser height;
But faith it did the lifting up and brought me to its light.
Ever present it does shine to never turn away;
Even though there are times my faith may surely stray.
Quietly a lesson comes unexpected in the day;
When child’s laughter or sweet birdsong pierces worldly fray.
Reflection soon I can’t ignore of faith’s gentle demand;
Leads me to be grateful then that faith knows where I stand.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Guilt and Regrets
Well. How long has it been since I have written a creative word? Months. Before the holidays. For something that I consider to be extremely important to my destiny and purpose for being, I sure have fallen short.
Maybe I am wrong for thinking writing is part of my purpose. When I am not doing it, I am thinking that I should be doing it. I am feeling guilty for not doing it. I regret any time I have "wasted" and not written.
Here's the interesting thing: while you try to figure out why you aren't doing something that is important to you, you are learning more about the thing you are putting off.
For instance, there was a great speech at church Sunday, comparing toasters to human beings. Toaster don't whine and moan if you've unplugged them or haven't used them for a while, they just go back to doing their job - making bread into toast. They don't analyze the situation; they go back to doing what they were meant to do. Another great resource I am listening to: Mike Dooley from TUT: The Universe; Manifesting Change. He make some very interesting points about having the end in mind, and letting the universe worry about the hows. What he does say is we still have to head toward our dreams, however small. Like the toaster, it still has to heat up, right?
As human beings, who hasn't temporarily stopped doing something they felt important? Who hasn't fallen off the diet, healthy food, exercise wagon, among other things? I feel like these are the moments when we continue to find our strength and learn what's really important, and resources come to us to help us continue on the path of that dream...whether it's getting healthy or writing a book, learning new habits or attempting to find your destiny.
So if you are in the "holding pattern" of something in your life, I like the idea that you don't have to feel guilty because you can always jump back into your mission, knowing that we've learned something else along the way...we still really want that thing we are striving after. If we didn't we wouldn't be thinking of it or feeling guilty about it. Which means it's time to heat up and make the toast.
Maybe I am wrong for thinking writing is part of my purpose. When I am not doing it, I am thinking that I should be doing it. I am feeling guilty for not doing it. I regret any time I have "wasted" and not written.
Here's the interesting thing: while you try to figure out why you aren't doing something that is important to you, you are learning more about the thing you are putting off.
For instance, there was a great speech at church Sunday, comparing toasters to human beings. Toaster don't whine and moan if you've unplugged them or haven't used them for a while, they just go back to doing their job - making bread into toast. They don't analyze the situation; they go back to doing what they were meant to do. Another great resource I am listening to: Mike Dooley from TUT: The Universe; Manifesting Change. He make some very interesting points about having the end in mind, and letting the universe worry about the hows. What he does say is we still have to head toward our dreams, however small. Like the toaster, it still has to heat up, right?
As human beings, who hasn't temporarily stopped doing something they felt important? Who hasn't fallen off the diet, healthy food, exercise wagon, among other things? I feel like these are the moments when we continue to find our strength and learn what's really important, and resources come to us to help us continue on the path of that dream...whether it's getting healthy or writing a book, learning new habits or attempting to find your destiny.
So if you are in the "holding pattern" of something in your life, I like the idea that you don't have to feel guilty because you can always jump back into your mission, knowing that we've learned something else along the way...we still really want that thing we are striving after. If we didn't we wouldn't be thinking of it or feeling guilty about it. Which means it's time to heat up and make the toast.
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