It’s now July, and I’m far behind where I promised myself I
would be. The creative process can be a bitch, not only because sometimes you
feel like you’ve run out of steam and you don’t know what else to say (my
version of writer’s block) but because life gets in the way. I don’t know how
anyone can do this with a full-time job and any semblance of “downtime.” I
can’t imagine even starting this process with kids at home; thank God I don’t
have that or I’d be complaining about that as well. Right now, it’s 5pm after a
full day of work and I’m ready for dinner, a workout, a shower, a good book…reading
it, not necessarily writing it!
My ego is also getting in the way and that nagging voice
haunts me. It used to be, “Get up and write anything at all; don’t you want to
be a writer?” and now it says “You better write that book, you won the ‘lottery’
from Hay House after all, you lazy shit.” Yes, I know and thanks, Brain, for
the reminder of my inadequacies that go far beyond writing. The nagging is
simply a reminder of my laziness, self-sabotage, procrastination, lack of
motivation, simple-mindedness and yes, my love of sitting in front of the
television in the evening watching Big Bang Theory and Warehouse 13 even though
I have seen them all a thousand times. If I get bored of those, I’ll just watch
my Blu-Ray Harry Potter DVDs for the millionth time. Or The Matrix. At least, I
think, they are very inspiring for creatives like me. I remember an article my
mother cut out for me once that was entitled, “I’d Rather Be Sharpening
Pencils.” Yes, procrastination abounds among writers.
Why is the human Brain such an opposing force? Why, in one
minute, can I be motivated and writing like my life depends on it because I
want it so bad the idea of being an author leaves a taste in my mouth like the
midnight chocolate buffet on a cruise? In the next minute, I feel like a
worthless, deflated hunk of aging flesh with no more wits and energy about me
than a houseplant. It ain’t fair.
It’s amazing that what I am writing about is what I’m trying
to live. Moving toward happy is rather instinctual, but we still want someone
to rescue us. Hence, I’ve bought a few lottery tickets in my time. It’s a study
of a life being lived and learned. I’m working on it. Working on adjusting my
attitude, because I believe in what I am writing and I believe spiritual dogma
really does make a difference in life. Working on the actions I need to take to
be happier, because you have to take action, whether it’s buying lottery
tickets or writing essays rather than writing a chapter in my book....stay tuned for more essays on why I should be writing a chapter of my book rather than the essays! :-)
