I've never had a human child, so as close as I am ever going to get at age 45 is our German Shepherd Gracie. We put her to sleep on Friday April 1 after almost exactly 4 years of joy, laughter and hair in every corner and crevice of our lives.
I am still reeling from the emptiness, the coming down the stairs and no big hairy beast staring at me with love and anticipation. You know what it is, mostly, is having empty arms. I loved putting my arms around her big muscular neck and rubbing her soft sides. She was so very tolerant of hugging. Next I loved rubbing her perfectly shaped head, big soft ears and long muzzle ending in a big wet black manhole-cover sized nose.
It's hard to imagine ending your child's life. Making that decision, hoping against hope she'll get better and put it off for another day, is one I won't ever want to make again. And after it's done, I keep seeing her lying there in the vet's office on her blanket, no spark of that awesome, funny and playful personality left.
Doug and I have never been together without Gracie. We're living a different dynamic now - it used to be pretty centered around the furry kid, and on the Saturday after, when we woke up, we were unsure of what to do with ourselves. No kid to feed, play with, make sure the water is full and fresh, make sure she had her pees and poops, it's your turn, it's my turn, should I walk her here or there, stick or ball, park or patch of grass...
I took a bike ride Saturday and felt her loping along beside me, tongue hanging out, freed from her arthritic spine and weak leg, from her damaged and failing internal organs, happy as a dog could ever be. There is some comfort and joy in that imagining.
What I do know is that we're sure to rescue more furry kids because even though we'll be picking hair out of our clothes for years to come, every hair has been worth the fun and fulfilling distraction of taking care of Gracie and being loved unconditionally in return.
I love this quote: "My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am." ~Author Unknown
